


Last Of The Year

by OurDeal



Category: FOX NFL Sunday RPF, National Football League RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 09:52:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurDeal/pseuds/OurDeal
Summary: Danny is emotionally stuck in his own personal purgatory. His own dark thoughts tend to warp his view of reality from the truth…so Julian is going to try to step in to pull Danny out of the hell he has to climb out of. Will he be successful? (Inspired by ‘Bad Water’ and  ‘Perennial’ by Jinjer and ‘Out Of Hell’ by In This Moment). One-shot.*Total work of fiction^No footballs were harmed in the making of this story





	Last Of The Year

            Danny’s mind has always been something of a puzzle—a locked box that no one but him has the key to. There’s a duality to who he is—the self who he shows to the world and to his teammates, and then there is the self that he holds back, coming out behind closed doors. He’s exhausted with it. Having to keep a mask on at all times when he’s in the public, but letting that mask fall and shatter once he’s alone. He’s barely holding up these days, preferring the him that requires the least amount of energy. It helps that his new team barely knows who he is, not constantly getting the questions of ‘what’s wrong with you’ or ‘are you okay?’. It’s refreshing but also painful to know that his team still hasn’t taken the time to know him. With the _Patriots_ , he had made lifelong friends, but then when it came down it, the team was not going to resign him. He had already known that in the back of his mind, but he wanted to try to alter that. Of course, he ended up signing with _The Dolphins_ , but at the cost of his happiness.

            It hurts worse by the fact that the man that he fell in love with is still on that team. He barely gets to see him now…through video chat and the days that they have to face off against each other. He could take all the pain he’s ever felt and lock it up in the little box of emotions in the back of his brain, but the immense love he still has for Julian is too big to fit. He carries that emotion with him at all times—hidden and unseen, but nevertheless fully felt. He’s never had the words to verbalize what’s he felt for the blond man, but he feels that it should just stay hidden. He’s always told himself that Julian would never feel the same, and if there was a slim chance that he would, he wouldn’t want to be with a mess like Danny. Some of his teammates have tried to befriend him, but he just keeps to himself, preferring being alone. The locker room is loud at all times, and even in his thoughts, he can still hear them. Thankfully, it’s the end of the season, so he gets to be alone in his apartment for a while. Packing up the last of his things, he gets out the place as quickly as he can.

            Making his way to his car, he can’t help but throw his duffle bag into the trunk before closing it. Taking a few seconds to lean against the driver’s side door, Danny slows down his breathing so he wouldn’t have a panic attack in the middle of driving. He can’t wait to get home and just lock himself away. He knows that Julian is too busy for him, with playoffs and training. He misses that—being with a team that understood him for who he really is. There was no hiding his feelings from everyone, and there was no running from his problems. His teammates would hold him accountable, making him face his problems head-on. He couldn’t do that now—nor did he even want to. He didn’t have Julian by his side. Julian, the man who has Danny’s heart in his hands but doesn’t even know it. Julian, who would make Danny so happy without even saying a word. A smile was enough to brighten up Danny’s day. Julian, who made Danny feel like he was the only one in the locker room, and who took special attention to who he is as a person. Julian, who had made some progress in breaking down the walls around the box of emotions. Julian, who was everything that Danny lived for—no longer relevant. Danny’s down in Florida, being secretly miserable, while Julian is back in Boston, having the time of his life. There are days that Danny wishes that the _Patriots_ had fought harder to keep him around. He can tell from just watching the way in which Tom and the team play now, that there is no chemistry between Tom and the wide receiver that had taken his place. Danny found himself in the same place with the new quarterback that he works with. Danny has tried to warm up to Ryan but he just made Danny feel angrier with every passing game. He began to just hate himself, dragging himself into the pit of despair that he had crawled out of with Julian and the rest of their friends on the old team.

            Arriving at his rented apartment, there was never a feeling of ‘home’ for Danny. The walls are bare and the furniture doesn’t have a personal touch. It looks more of an apartment that a realtor would show to prospective renters rather than a place that someone lives in. The kitchen is cold and uninviting, while the living room is a bland mesh of furniture and non-descript décor. He could care less what the outside rooms of his apartment look like, for he never has anyone over in the first place. While on the other hand, the only places that have Danny written all over them are his room and the connected bathroom. There are pictures of he and Julian on a small corner of the room, while his previous jerseys are hanging as a tapestry on another. He can’t believe that he’s been bounced from team to team in his young life. If he hadn’t found his way to Julian in the first place, Danny knows that he would have walked away from the game that he has a love-hate relationship with.

            Landing back first on his bed, Danny can’t help but feel around under the pillows for the bottle that he has hidden. His hand brushes up against the cold, bumpy glass, and as his hand drags out the bottle of whiskey, he can’t help but think of what Julian would say to him. Sometimes he laughs about that, knowing that Julian would have been the guy who would have grabbed that bottle right out of Danny’s hand and dump all of the whiskey down the sink. He would have been the guy who would have been holding Danny close as he cried about nothing and everything. The only thing that was for certain was that Danny did send a key to Julian, knowing that if he were ever in town, that he’d have a place to stay at. Danny will always wish for more—he always hoped that one day Julian would be coming home to him, maybe they would have adopted a couple of kids—but he knew that was impossible. He’s been tired lately…and it’s not about how his body feels, but about how his emotions make thinking hard. He wants so much but gets so little, and he gives everything he has in his body but no one will actually acknowledge him for it. He feels something snap in the back of his brain, and all of the emotions he’s held back since the beginning of the season have sucked him in. Danny’s angry because he can’t have what he wants and he’s sad because he’s away from the one person who means so much to him. He makes a decision then—a really stupid one, but it’s a decision nonetheless.

            Making himself get up off the bed, Danny can’t really think rationally and is only driven by his own emotions of sadness and despair. Despite being in one of the warmest places in the United States, he feels ice cold. He can’t feel anything and has locked himself out of his own mind. Sitting down in the bathtub, he curls himself into a corner. There’s a ledge right above him, where he keeps his razor for shaving. Reaching up, Danny’s fingers glide across the handle before grabbing it and pulling it towards himself. Unfortunately, he already knows how to take the razor apart to get to the blades—he’s been secretly doing this since he first made it into the _NFL_. The stress of going undrafted and then being picked up as one of the practice squad guys hurt him to his very core. He knew he couldn’t take out his rage and frustration of the situation at anyone, so he turned it on himself. He remembers the first time it happened—the cold feel of the blade against his skin while he slowly and meticulously swiped it across the skin that covers his ribs. He knew that it would be a good spot because no one would ever actually see it. It would end up being covered for every practice and every game, so no one would ever have to ask why. It would be his secret to keep, and no one would ever know. Well, he thought no one would ever know—until Julian accidentally saw them one day.

_Danny’s in the locker room alone—giving him time to change out of the padding of his uniform and back to his regular street clothes. There’s a large bandage that’s plastered on the side of his body with some medical tape. The evidence of what he did last night shows through the pristine white of the bandage. There are thick blotches of red all over and Danny knows that he has to change it. Being so focused on the bandage, Danny doesn’t notice that Julian had walked back in because he had forgotten his wallet. He felt someone’s hand on his shoulder, and that startled him so much so that he ended up sitting inside his locker. Trying to catch his breath, Danny looks up to see that it’s Julian who touched him. There is a look of despair in his eyes and he knows that Julian saw._

_“Danny, why?” It comes out as a broken whisper, and Julian’s crying in front of him. He can barely hold back anymore, but for one second he tells himself that he can handle this…that his heart is not completely breaking._

_“It’s—It’s the only way I know how to deal.” And those are the words that crack Danny open. His emotions end up all over the floor, making a mess out of his thoughts. Some emotions mock him and others drag him down. Julian just wraps his arms around Danny to pull him close, trying to convey that he’s not alone and that he doesn’t have to be by himself his whole life._

_“Danny, please—you’re not alone. You don’t have to do this anymore. You have a whole group of people who care about you. You can tell one of us what’s going on, okay? Please don’t do this to yourself again.” It’s where he made a quiet promise to Julian to stop._

“Sorry, Julian,” Danny whispers as he takes the blade and slides it against his skin. A line of red appears in the trail behind it, and the endorphins are released in Danny’s brain. He knows what he’s doing is wrong and he feels guilty for breaking a promise to Julian but—

            “DANNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Julian’s standing there in front of him, with concern all over his face. He thinks that he’s too drunk to be seeing what he’s seeing. There is no way that Julian would be in his apartment. There are hands pulling him out of the tub and sitting him down on the lid of his toilet. There’s a burning sensation that makes Danny scream and he doesn’t understand why. A hand goes to cradle the back of his head, and now he’s really confused with what’s happening. His breathing ends up speeding up, and he knows that he’s having another episode but there’s nothing he can do about it. He feels his body go limp before he blacks out.

            There’s a hand holding his while fingers run through his hair. He has to still be in some sort of state of shock. There’s no way that someone’s touching him. The last thing he remembers is being in his bathtub. He can’t really recall what happened after that. There’s a headache that is making itself know, and he can hear the soft mumbling of the television in his room. _Wait…who is here._ Danny’s scared to find out what really happened. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees that Julian is really there—and holding his hand. He’s the one who's running his fingers through Danny’s hair.

            “Danny what the hell. You gave me a scare there.” Julian is pulling him close, and he feels Julian’s tears on him. He can’t really understand why someone would cry over him. He feels as if he’s not worth anything. He’s more of a person passing by than just being someone important. He doesn’t care about himself—so it’s really easy to see why Julian would be worried about him, but at the same time, Danny feels as if Julian shouldn’t worry about him. There’s nothing that Julian could say to make him change his mind.

            “Danny, listen to me. I was coming here to surprise you. Some of your teammates got in touch with me and told me what you were doing. They said that you were very withdrawn and that you wouldn’t talk to anyone on the team. That you’re refusing to make new friends with them, and that you barely stick around for the team outings. They’re worried about you. I know you think that no one cares about you, but trust me, there are a lot of people who do care about you. You’re important to me—you mean so much more. Danny, I’ve missed you since you left and I never got the chance to do this.” Julian ends up just leaning in then, pressing his lips against Danny’s. He can’t believe that this is happening and he knows that it has to be some weird dream.

            “No Danny, you aren’t dreaming. This is real and I love you. I’ve loved you since you first stepped on the scene but I didn’t want to say anything in fear of scaring you away. I love how easy it is to talk to you, and how funny you are and you think that I wouldn’t like you back, but I do. I really, really do, Danny—you are the first person I think about in the mornings and the last person I want to let go of in my dreams. If you’d let me, I’d like to try to be in a relationship with you. I know it’s going to be hard with the distance, but I promise you, if you are willing to work with me on that, then I will make it worth it. I love you so much that it kills me to see you like this.” Julian’s lips are pressing against his again, and for the first time, Danny can feel himself crawling out of his personal hell.


End file.
